Sitting in Anger

Jude and Iris

The Importance of Recognizing Anger in Unfair Situations

A friend of mine and fellow medical mom sent me a text the other day. Her text read: "I am just ANGRY this morning. I haven't felt like this in a long time but man the anger and bitterness are ripe this morning." She went on to explain how she had experienced a triggering situation and she basically felt bad for feeling this way. All I could think of was how many times I'd felt the exact same way. Not angry at my girls by any means, but angry for them, angry at their disabilities, angry at the childhood full of pain and challenges, and angry at how unfair it all is. I replied to my friend and told her to just feel it; it's okay to be angry at this shitty situation.

Life often presents us with challenges that can evoke a strong emotional response, particularly when we encounter situations that feel inherently unfair. One of the most powerful emotions we experience in these moments is anger. This is especially true for parents and caregivers of disabled children, who may face systemic injustices, societal stigma, and personal struggles on a daily basis. Understanding and acknowledging this natural anger response is crucial for maintaining emotional health and clarity of purpose.

Understanding the Anger Response

Anger is a fundamental human emotion, serving as a natural response to perceived threats or injustices. When we witness or experience unfairness—such as seeing a disabled child struggle to do the most basic movements—our body reacts instinctively. Recognizing these feelings is the first step toward processing them effectively.

In the context of caring for a disabled child, anger can arise from numerous sources, including:

• Societal Stigma: Facing judgment or misunderstanding from others can be incredibly frustrating.

• Systemic Barriers: Navigating healthcare, education, and support systems that are not designed with inclusivity in mind can lead to feelings of helplessness.

• Personal Struggles: The emotional and physical toll of caregiving can elicit anger directed at the situation or oneself.

The Importance of Tools for Managing Anger

During those first months after diagnosis, the grief rollercoaster took its toll. Each day I felt angry, sad, helpless, ashamed, despair...all of it. I really struggled to find daily joy for, honestly, about a year. My physical self started to break down with exhaustion, joint inflammation, irritability, and I realized I could not live like that. Our situation wasn't going to change, so for me, I had to get help. And I'm so glad I did, because even though these feelings still occur from time to time (as the world is full of triggers), I can recognize the emotion, but I don't have to let it take over. While feeling anger is natural, it is essential to have tools and strategies in place to navigate this emotion constructively. Here are some effective methods:

• Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness can help ground you in the present moment, allowing you to observe your emotions without judgment.

• Physical Activity: Engaging in exercise can be a powerful outlet for pent-up anger, releasing endorphins that promote a positive mood.

• Creative Expression: Art, writing, or music can provide a safe space to channel your feelings and express your experiences.

• Support Networks: Connecting with other parents or caregivers can foster a sense of community and understanding, providing an outlet for sharing frustrations and finding solutions.

• Professional Guidance: Seeking therapy or counseling can offer valuable insights and coping strategies tailored to your unique situation.

For me personally, I found a wonderful cognitive behavioral therapist who gave me "homework," that I found productive and useful. We focused on identifying my triggers, my trigger responses, and then redirecting my thoughts. I know...sounds cheesy, but it worked! The process of redirecting my thoughts to something more positive began to become quicker and easier, and eventually, it became my go to approach to triggers.

Staying Focused on What Matters

While anger can serve as a catalyst for change, it is vital not to lose sight of what truly matters: the well-being of your child and the joy they bring into your life. Anger, when left unchecked, can cloud judgment and lead to negative outcomes. By recognizing this emotion and employing tools to manage it, you can transform anger into motivation for advocacy and positive change.

Remember, the goal is not to suppress anger but to understand and channel it constructively. Use this powerful emotion to fuel your passion for creating a better world for your child and others facing similar challenges. By focusing on advocacy, education, and community support, you can turn feelings of anger into a driving force for positive action. Ultimately, your journey can inspire others and contribute to a more equitable society, ensuring that your child—and all children—can thrive.